I was alone – but I was not on my own, I was lost – yet I recognised I was where I was supposed to be, I was scared – however I felt brave within, I was whole – nonetheless I was searching even then, I knew things – only the answers were not in front of me. So much did not make sense, there was a lot I would need to discover = I was four years old & I already knew how to keep quiet with the information I was gleaning.
This is not an account of everything that has taken place, instead I have chosen to excerpt a few instances among the many to capture the essence of what occurred, so for now snippets will suffice. Equally this is not an explanation of all things metaphysical ~ that remains on-going… for everyone. This is however the most fitting explanation I can give for how the spiritual, esoteric, enigmatic (call it what you will as it has many names, forms & labels) has accompanied me throughout my life, how it came to be shut down twice, firstly fading away & secondly through my own conscious discontinuing only to reactivate years later with unexpected swiftness thanks to my birthfather Terry ~ altering the course of my life & becoming an integral part of my ‘Intrinsic Achievement’ body of work.
To understand quantum mechanics through to the far reaches of the metaphysical world is to understand the all & the nothing, from the smallest immeasurable nanoparticle to the largest most expansive multiverse & every potential configuration that can exist in-between. This is no easy feat! But this is ultimately your job, to find your connection to it all & understand your part within the here & now, where we find ourselves individually & as a collective to unravel the puzzle & essentially move ourselves out of this maze, from the desperate place many have arrived at.
This is written with additional side notes in blue to help provide or clarify further information regarding a point I am making. When I am recalling a download I have used red to capture what was expressed & conveyed in that moment. The messages & information I’ve received over the years have been vast & varied. So much has come through that I took to writing it down almost daily for the past 6 years. Unfortunately I can not cover it all here, so a linear account of my main nexus points is what you will find as you read on. Please note this is not a quick read, it may take around 30min & should be read from start to finish in one go. It is specifically designed to paint a picture explaining how my metaphysical skills are embedded within everyday life, so you can make sense of yours.
1976 – 2013
My first clear & conscious memory involving familiarity from another lifetime came when I was around 4 years old. This is when I felt information come through at a cellular level. It was instinctive - a healers instinct. In 1980 we had moved from NZ to Washington DC where my dad took up position as NZ Defence Attaché’ to USA & Canada, working at the NZ Embassy & The Pentagon, he was a colonel in the NZ Defence Force. At times my mum suffered from migraines that rendered her vomiting, straight to bed, curtains closed, lights out in the middle of the day. Although I used a cold pressed face cloth I would run my hands lightly over her forehead to the top of her hairline right where the most splitting pain was occurring, I could sense where it was coming from, which side of her head as I saw it as a blackish area best described as a shadow overlay that floated between her & I. It would change size, shape & colour, dissipating slowly. I didn’t mind doing this for a short period of time as she was my mum, only in the very literal sense she wasn’t. I had been left at a hospital only 4 days old & taken ‘home’ when I was 2 weeks. I was told my birthparents were young & not in a position to keep me. Legally I wasn’t to know all the details until my 20th birthday. Although forever grateful I was told this early on it was still a heavy load for me to bear - a weight that I carried as a young girl. To cope I developed various mechanisms; some good & some not so good. Chiefly the tendency to block emotions & push down all frustrations on the plus side however I learnt how to remain silently patient developing extreme self-restraint. My adoption story is for another time, but I do want to acknowledge that even though I will refer lightly to some inconsistent behaviour, times of excessive control by family members & some unjust scenarios that I was particularly sensitive to - my parents provided the best for us, met all our physical needs, allowed us to develop a work ethic & made sure we knew we were their kids, we were a family. In fact we were ‘so close’ that it was rarely mentioned & most people never knew. I have a lot to be thankful for with my upbringing. However the unequal power relationships that later emerged & tried to gain a foothold again when I had my own family, proliferating unchecked & turning toxic meant that I finally had to step away at 37 for my own sake & for the sake of Samantha & Drew.
Alongside my natural inclination to help & heal things at a young age I had moments of strong inner knowing (Claircognizance). My earliest memory of this was sitting next to a girl called Erica at kindergarten age 5 when I stated that I would break my arm over the weekend. I didn’t know how but I felt sure this was going to happen, that I would return on Monday with my arm in plaster. That weekend playing superman with my brother as the babysitter arrived I flew out of the lounge & landed on the flagstoned entrance. Yes it was painful with a wrist break & plaster up to my shoulder but I also found it somewhat amusing I had known this would eventuate so soon. In addition were crystal clear visions (Clairvoyance). When I was about 6 year old my brother had brought a hermit crab home, at one point we were to travel just as it was due to move shells. As my parents discussed the best shell to use thinking that a shell magnet from the fridge would potentially work I ‘saw’ the little hermit crab struggle to attach itself to this new shell, with it ‘telling’ me it wasn’t going to make it. I did not want to verbalise this. As I expected we returned from holiday to find it fully out of its shell & half way across the container in the open ground, dead. Another vivid time was jumping in the car with our family friends the Keating’s who were another Diplomatic family from NZ & as we drove off I ‘saw’ water flowing out their second story floor pouring down over their garage. No this was not actually happening physically at that time, it was playing out on a screen in my head. What was amazing for me was arriving back a few hours later to see actual water dripping down through their garage door from a flood in their kitchen. By this stage I knew I could see clearly inside my head while my eyes were open, it’s a strange sensation to hold both your outside vision & concentrate on watching your inside visuals at the same time (can be rather draining & takes practise to hold & maintain your focus).
I spent a lot of time in my own company even while in the presence of others. We were a family of 5 travelling almost the length & breadth of the United States experiencing the most incredible landscapes & landmarks, with two brothers in the back on either side of me, Dad at the helm & a mum that I loved but was often wary of. This is difficult to actually write but growing up people often commented about her domineering, belligerent & fierce persona that emerged at times. I often ‘joked’ that although my dad was the colonel it was my mum I was shit scared of with other people making similar remarks to me so I was not holding a biased view. I’ve also learnt that making light of things in a joking manner has been one of the ways I’ve alleviated stress & tension over the years.
I had an innate feeling of fear from the minute I could talk. I was scared of getting lost & would panic easily, I had a constant fear of bridges falling down & tunnels crumbling. I would voice this often & although it registered with my parents the outcome was for mum & dad to listen but the 80’s way of dealing with things was to just move on - probably best at that time. Mum eventually took it seriously & brought me my own worry dolls. What I had was a foreboding sense of devastation, either I had seen & experienced it in another lifetime or felt I was going to go through it in this one. I kept quiet on this as I knew not to mention it to anyone, I understood ridicule & had already been told I had a ‘good imagination’ said in a tone which suggested to me back then it was not worth voicing everything. I grew to be fine in my own company never craving other people for conversation, distraction or entertainment - although I did cherish my friends & loved their company with many exploits under our belts. Even amongst a group though I would use this time observing, analysing & sensing peoples hidden behaviour & actions. I could see beyond peoples masks & how they carefully presented themselves. I knew there to be a type of duplicity, cover-up & camouflage with people presenting various ‘faces’of themselves. I first learned this & picked it up through my brothers based on their unpredictable & inconsistent behaviour towards me - at times they were my protectors other times my tormentors. It didn’t take me long to detect that this was founded on their own sense of deep routed inadequacies projected towards me, unprovoked.
I was taking in so much around me as we travelled so far, most of my experiences were amazing, I was living such a privileged life for a young child in a large embassy house & all the material items I could ask for, I felt a sense of pride having a dad who was a Colonel & for the most part life was very comfortable & rewarding. The one thing I wanted though was not a material item, it was to find and reunite with my birthparents. I did not want to wait the tortuous years under a system which I personally never agreed to. I felt a tight sensation of control around me where adults had all made decisions on my behalf & I had no voice, I can recall it feeling like a belt. It was a legal constraint which I learnt very early on not to fight against as adults in my world always won. It was going to take me to reach 37 years old before I finally stood my ground & found the inner courage to confront those who had wounded me. So I did what I did best & pushed down my true feelings to carry on making the most of being a kid.
More than Claircognizance or Clairvoyance was the ability to receive Downloads (although I did not know this was the term used in todays language) all I felt was a lot information coming in all at once in the form of an info dump that would arrive within a split second but to unravel could take a few minutes. The first & perhaps most far-reaching time occurred as we travelled through South Dakota Bad Lands National Park, The Black Hills & Yellowstone region. I recall it so distinctly, the landscape, time of day, temperature & atmosphere. It was dusk, humid & still. We had pulled in perhaps to fill up with gas. Us three kids had scrambled up one of the eroded buttes (hills to me then). We climbed just a few meters up my brothers to the left of me on their own hill while I sat on the dirt of one of the escarpments looking out towards one of the largest & protected prairie grass regions. (The closet description in terms of anything like this in NZ has been the fine pumice soil of Taupo, except instead of a white/grey this colour was red, orange, ochre). The message that came through was surprisingly non-emotive (neutral in tone) & simple. “I was not on my own, even though I felt it inside at times. In moments of future distress, anguish or lasting unhappiness I was to feel this energy signature of the land & elements that I was absorbing right now. Wherever I was in the future pulling in this energy would assist. It was conveyed this feeling was vital & would carry & sustain me when needed. It was imperative not to forget this.” And that was it.
This is not solely a voice that I heard (I was already very familiar with my own inner dialogue) it is more than that. A download comes upwards from the ground, downwards from above, moves from within your core outwards to be met with surrounding energy coming in. Its an all encompassing permeation.
I knew this was old Cowboy & Indian territory but I only discovered in my very late 30’s this very region of South Dakota, NE Wyoming & SE Montana which we were travelling through constituted the sacred landscape of the Lakota people who were part of the Sioux Nation. This land held extraordinary spiritual significance for many reasons, but most poignant for me all these years later was to find out young ‘Indian Braves’ would also travel through on their vision quests. I never kept from voicing my interest & connection towards Native Indian people & culture. Even while there at age 7/8 I would talk of coming back to ‘help them’.
In contrast to this I never mentioned to anyone that I felt this reality didn’t feel ‘quite right’. I often wanted to scratch the surface & see what was really going on, I felt many things were hidden just out of sight, just put of reach, although back then I didn’t actually know what these ‘things’ were. I did realise though that this was directly related to spending vast amounts of time travelling to & visiting major historical sights & I associated a sense of ‘importance’ to my dads military work. I felt like time was closing in & wanted answers to the questions that I hadn’t even thought to ask yet. I didn’t have the language to express this even though I understood the concept. I sensed a feeling of urgency within my gut & was heartbroken when it was time to leave the States. In my mind I was leaving so much unfinished.
We returned to NZ at age 8 & life was an adjustment for me in a cold wooden house up on the hills of Ngaio where I would get swollen glands & watch the condensation drip down windows. I was down in the dumps, disliking this new environment & my behaviour started to reflect this - damaging property, emotionally eating & experiencing grumpy moods, this was not my natural state. In hindsight I was shutting myself down & exiting my body. In times of on-going sadness, confusion, trauma etc part of your soul can slowly exit your physical body. This acts to reduce the feeling or sensations you would otherwise experience. Often termed disassociating from an event by the medical fraternity it is in fact a natural protective measure that a human will default to. The concern in a metaphysical sense is if there is too much splitting of a soul attachments or entities can try to take up residence. A great deal of care is needed. Thank goodness this was not the level I was experiencing - I was simply checking out from surroundings that I did not like.
A few years later aged 12 we sold up & moved half an hour north to Paremata in a nicer home, with a pool & the sea below us. I was further from my friends as I still attended Raroa Intermediate so didn’t know anyone out here. I spent my weekends drawing & listening to music in a time where I wasn’t happy within myself. A letter arrived from the Department of Social Welfare while I was not in a good space. It was addressed to my mum, not to me & was requesting news &/or photos of their daughter Haeleigh. I found out during this time my original name was Haeleigh Anne Stewart. Through the rather brief correspondence via Social Welfare my mum was told my birthparents had married & had two more children 10 & 12 years after me. I was pleased they had remained together & were a family, but I also felt abandoned mixed with guilt for wanting to meet them after ‘all my own parents were doing for me’. I sent some photos but was not allowed to write back myself. My mum would do this & we ‘agreed’ on a basic reply. I did what I normally did & pushed down my actual feelings deeply. Shortly after this I stated College, began smoking which alleviated the emotions I was feeling, lost weight, snuck out every chance I had & found my escape within the party atmosphere of the early 90’s. I have been surprisingly good at whatever it is I focus on & this was no exception. For me it wasn’t alcohol or drugs, although they were around I knew to keep away from any paraphernalia once I learned my lesson, what I was doing instead was losing myself amongst others, mainly boys. This is a dangerous place to be in when young, carrying deep seated low self- esteem, pent-up frustration & aggrieved sensitivities. So began a rebellious stage where I disappointed my parents regularly, only I didn’t care as by then I had already been disappointed by others close to me. To my surprise however I was to receive another unexpected download which was again extremely timely, I was 15 & becoming tired of this ‘lifestyle’, tired of people all out for themselves & still struggling with the control I felt my parents held over me. I was out celebrating my 15th birthday with another girl & 2 guys at a park late at night drinking beer & simply wasting time. Suddenly within a split second I was being shown & told where this road I was heading down would lead to & it wasn’t a pretty sight. This was not the boy for me, these were not the ‘friends’ for me. I was to cut ties & get away from this lifestyle briskly. That was it. I immediately said yes to an afterschool job at my mums work & just one week later I accompanied my mum up to Ohakune on a ski lodge working-bee in the final week of June. I was lying on the lounge floor reading a book when two shoes stopped in my line of sight. I looked up to see a nice friendly guy ask me what I was reading. Wayne literally walked into my life & an entire 180 degree change occurred over the next 3 years. We hit it off straight away. He had his owned his own car, house & career. (I am alluding to the fact that he was older than me). So rules were put into place by my parents; I was not to stay the night at his house, but he could at ours, I was to stay living at home until I had completed my 5 years of secondary schooling where I would be 18 & could make my own decisions. I was given the OK to see him. Early on in our relationship on a trip away with my family we stopped at a book store & where I straight away pulled a book from a shelf that appeared to be trying to get my attention before I even noticed it. Set in the Mesa Verde it was about an Anasazi cliff dwelling girl (Ancestral Pueblo people). As I turned the book over knowing I was going to buy it I had another clear download. I was having flashes of what seemed like seeing myself once fit, lithe, nimble & completely alive in every sense of the word. I could feel the texture of the cliffs & the sensation of climbing up & walking along the narrow paths. I could hear the clinking of the pottery that stored items (Clairaudience) & I was holding pieces of turquoise for decorations & trade. I had never been a runner (smoking certainly didn’t help with this) but I had an urge to run = frequently. Within days I had started to run, this is not as it is nowadays, back then I grabbed whatever sandshoes I had available & wore any shorts & t-shirt around - far from the posing active wear of today. Becoming fit suddenly provided the outlet that I had never had for the gradual releasing of all the pent-up emotions that I had ‘successfully’ kept buried down. When I was running (once I developed my own natural cadence) I realised this was the very same feeling I had when sitting on the eroded hills in South Dakota. This dramatically opened up an interest in all things holistically based, connected to nature, wholesome & invigorating. Wayne already leant this way so we developed mutual interests in such things as naturopathy, homeopathy & herbal knowledge. This was the early 90’s & in many respects we were like the for-runners to todays ultra-uber ‘healthy lifestylers’, only back then there was no external societal pressure driving us, personally it was the sheer enjoyment of feeling good again. There was no posing for pics, or trying to convince others to live or behave a certain way, it was me naturally running towards life again. We went to all the initial food & wine festivals (Wellington, Martinborough, Marlborough), went on wine tasting tours & checked out all the new foods that were emerging as a range of imported goods hit our shelves. I was making good money working part-time each weekday afterschool, in the holidays & was beginning to taste a touch of the freedom I had craved for so long. I had evolved from sneaking out at night to loving the simplicity of watching a homemade rice pudding cooking in a copper on a wood burner fireplace in winter at Wayne’s house. We went tramping, bought mountain bikes & sea kayaks & each month I grew stronger internally again. I was coming back into myself as others my age were just entering difficult teenage years. This did also lead me to yet another crucial experience & subsequent download which I would revisit through my Intrinsic Achievement work all these years later. It was to be a big lesson & a reminder of why I am so grateful for my early years of seeing through peoples facades. Many people interested in the lifestyle we were experiencing could be referred to as The New Age. My eyebrows were quickly raised as I was seeing people spouting all things ‘spiritual’, looking & sounding the commonly accepted part but not behaving in a way that was actually aligned with personal integrity. Essentially just playing dress-up. There was ego-centric posturing of self-importance, fakery with ‘reaching an enlightened state’ as a one-upmanship. I saw ridiculous actions connected to envy, jealousy, bed-hopping & escapism. Many were partaking in external substances to get a high (I will never reconcile the use of drugs to act as a gateway to dimensions, it is a mistake to think these go together, foolishly opening the doors to attachments as your channel or connection is not a pure one). The enveloping download here was to always remain myself, not to follow anyone else’s teachings no matter what they claimed they could do, not to be pulled into group ‘anything’ e.g. guided meditations, running off to retreats or following some guru. If this new age hippy shit (sorry but my team speak my language that I most resonate with) which often made me feel uncomfortable was what people actually thought ‘spiritual-ness’ was all about than I needed to steer clear of it. I found it easy to keep to myself & go off to explore the outdoors but Wayne was slightly drawn to the more dodgy aspect. It was weird for me to realise although I was younger I was indeed much wiser. Although we are taught not to judge people which is 100% correct = do not judge on anything superficial e.g. skin tone, gender, sexuality, ethnicity, economic status, this all goes without saying. HOWEVER it is so important to judge on an energetic vibrational frequency. I will never make an apology for identifying negative dangerous energy, which comes disguised in so many forms. If you are moving within the ‘Love n Light’ community you need to know this. I was discovering personally that I could hold my own clear stream of energy with the abetment of nature & my own personal actions without any need to compare, compete or convince others of my ‘spiritual-ness’ which is why I never purposefully adorned myself with all the usual materialist items. I didn’t need to dress a certain way or take up yoga to reinforce that I was able to connect in to higher levels of awareness. To this day I remain amused that people at first take a second look at me as they are expecting something else to greet them as they maybe conditioned to think wearing particular items denotes certain abilities. This is fine with me as I let my work speak for itself.
By this stage I was 17 & I had tuned my body into peak fitness, stabilising & raising my emotional field & my mind was growing sharp. At the start of my 6th form year I took my running gear to school & ran every lunchtime down through Parliament & the Botanical gardens, along Tinakori Road & back to school for a shower. A PE teacher saw me & suggested I put my name on a summer holiday 15 day endurance challenge to cross the North Island under our own steam; tramping, kayaking, Mt biking. So I did. While halfway through this remarkable trip I stopped to drink water & a gust of wind blew in another message. I was on the Gentle Annie Napier-Taihape dirt road in the middle of nowhere taking a well earnt breather. The message was clear Whilst Wayne was fully independent = I was not. My lifestyle was indeed healthier (pat on the back) but the future would require me to be standing on my own two feet. I had already come along way but there was still along way to go. I was not to use a ‘state of attractiveness’ as a way of getting what I wanted in life as some would resort to doing. I needed a career, to be fully independent. I was shown teaching as an international vocation that would allow me to travel with a qualification & ‘help’ people. I was shown the path to University (where I nearly started choking on my water!) However I had demonstrated to myself through my fitness ability that I had tenacity & stamina. I was to now develop a thing called ‘fortitude’! This meant going back to school & do my school work. Now was the time to sort my academic life out. This perhaps would have been fine & easy had I actually been doing any school work but that had never been a focus of mine, although I was fit & healthy I was interested in everything outside of school & only went to do my lunchtime run rather than class work. I was actually on the path to complete 2nd year 6th having failed it. I was shown this would take absolute discipline, but I had the chance to make it happen. So began the most incredible year of my life. ~Determined To Achieve~ captures my methodology & the twists & turns that formed one of the most astounding years of my life - beginning with me pleading with past teachers to accept me in their academic courses to ultimately walking away with unfathomable results, where my parents celebrated along with me, culminating in tears of joy from all of us. Time eventually caught up with Wayne & I, after three years we realised we were at different stages in life & began to grow apart. Wayne to head further towards having a family & what I considered the uncomfortable side of spiritualism while I was ready to stand on my own two feet & take a major leap towards becoming a teacher!
For 3 years from 15 to 18 years old I accomplished more than I had dreamed; summiting mountains, working effectively in a part-time job at NZQA, developing a better relationship with my parents & gaining direct entry into any University course as an A Bursary’s gave priority admittance. When I was filling my entrance form to study Geography in the hopes of teaching it I received another download. This was an instruction that was very direct. I needed to ensure I did a Science degree - Geography spanned both physical & cultural elements so I could major in it under Science or Arts. Although Arts would be easier it was imperative, essential in fact for my future to have a Science degree under my belt. In the future I would be so glad I did, even though now it was the daunting option, I would never regret it if I made it through. Fark!… So I did.
Six months into Uni having completed my first semester I heard the whisperings of another download. I was used to an intense workload having completed 5 years in 1 with my final year at College, but I was now a full-time student working part-time jobs weeknights, weekends & mixing with many people who were more mainstream, competitive & ambitious than I was. This time the tidings were if I was going to complete my degree I would need to ‘shut down’ my connection to fully concentrate on my studies with zero distractions. I would be moving more into the conformist scientific field. There was going to be no time or space for me to pursue my more lofty or sublime connection to Earth & the intentional closing down was the only way I would get through & gain all the relevant qualifications I would need for the future. The ‘alternative’ route at that time wouldn’t help me gain actual credentials. To do both would stretch myself too thin & this was not the time to be carefree = I was on a mission & I had work to do. I distinctly recall feeling morose as I made the necessary decision to close it all down…mostly. I’ve since learned that the purposeful closing down of people with spiritual gifts is for their protection - the timing may not be right to cope with what is arising & guarding against blowing you open is vital. I do remember feeling sadness standing at this cross-roads but saying goodbye to the metaphysical world was something I had to do, it was a means to an end & I was prepared to do this. Luckily I was still left with some form of link in times of need. My 2nd year at Uni was a big one - I turned 20 = the magical legal age which allowed me to know about myself & make contact with my birthparents. This is a story for another time, other to mention that meeting my birth mum was not easy, suffice to say that suddenly facing the fall out from a broken family as I was straight away informed of a divorce involving domestic violence was not something I was equipped for. It never entered our heads that perhaps my birth parents were dealing with their own baggage, I cut short my long awaited reunion that was to be a two week visit to North Queensland & left 3 days earlier than planned. My parents had flown over with me as support if needed & picked me up. This affected me deeply as I had not done anything wrong, the unfortunate ramifications of having been clearly warned about my birthfather coupled with my own confusion with how difficult it had been on an unspoken level around my birth mum convinced me to do it differently when meeting my birthfather as I didn’t think my heart could take another disappointment. My mum was genuinely saddened on my behalf knowing that I hadn’t found what I had waited 20 years for & she actually understood why it was important for me to wait before I met with Terry. I put myself through a three week Outward Bound summer course for an injection of adventure before entering my 3rd Year at Uni. This was a big one & the jump in academic knowledge was immense in a Science Degree. I had one semester (12 weeks) to go & I wanted to stop, it felt too much. It was also 21st birthday season, I walked into a room, took one look in Kirk’s direction & was told this is the man you will marry without saying a word to him the entire evening. This strong man with the tender heart became my best friend. He met me when I was tired of Uni & I didn’t know if I would or could make it through. I was running out of daylight hours to go for my runs due to full-time study & holding down a number of part-time jobs, self-doubt was creeping through my academic work for the first time since I had gained my A Bursary & I was starting to put weight back on. Although he didn’t help me with my academic work he was very caring having a similar temperament to mine, not to mention a mutual chemical attraction & a shared interest in many things. I did finish my final papers & together we set out on the road to adulthood together. We were about to face the most trying years. It was best not to know what we were in for (events are often blocked for a reason) if I had known what was ahead, I would have convinced myself I couldn’t do it, that I wouldn’t make it. Kirk & I were equals at the same stage/place in life, working out how to become adults. I had my first year away from home moving down to Christchurch to train as a teacher. That was the year I really learnt how to budget, live with 2 other girls I didn’t know in an old villa & learn Education pedagogy & politics to qualify as a Secondary School Teacher. After a year I returned to Wellington & moved up to Horowhenua to take up my position as a Geography teacher under the incredible guardianship of Peter & Ken as Heads of Department. Dad found a beautiful bed & breakfast that had been converted into a rental on a 14 acre property which I moved into straight away & soaked up the time & space watching the seasons unfold with fantastic neighbours who owned of the land, teaching in a wonderful college under a system that was not yet broken. These are 2.5 years that although busy with work as a new teacher, will remain as the golden age of a sector that is now crippled. While living on the lifestyle property on the outskirts of Levin I was to receive 2 phone calls followed by 1 more when I moved back to Wellington that would also impact me forever. It was a pre-arranged call from my birthfather Terry. This had been set up by my birth mum as they wanted me to look after my younger brother who was living back in NZ with his dad, but struggling. They thought I might be able to help. I was so excited to take the call I was shaking. We talked for over an hour, filling each other in with where life had taken us. It was his voice that was captivating for me as he spoke so well in such a beautiful baritone. He sounded so far from the dangerous man I was warned about. I had been too naive to think there may have been another side to the stories I was told – his side. Upon putting down the phone I was compelled to place his voice in my memory bank, the reason for this would make sense years later. The second key phone call was on the morning of Sept 11 2001 with mum ringing to say “Pippy! American is being bombed!” I immediately shot out of bed thinking I was going to see what I had long ago viewed in my head. Although this was distressing to watch it was far from the destruction I was expecting to see (which covered vast amounts of USA). Immediately after this event like many other people we started to take more ‘risks’ making decisions from our hearts & no longer just our ‘logical mind’ or the expected way of thinking. I resigned to move back to Wellington specifically to have a go living with Kirk & to continue teaching immediately where I gained a position at Tawa College, for the sector had not come off its hinges just yet. We set up home together & became busy with work & saving money to eventually buy a house. The phone rang, I was answering the third significant phone call & it was my birth mum. I had wanted to catch up with Terry but I had stacked on 20kgs (from 60kg-80kg) & due to my pride this was not the way I wanted to meet him for the first time. She was on the other end of the phone telling me in a rather angry manner that Terry was dead. He was only 48 & I had run out of time. I didn’t cry, instead I felt numb & understood then why I had always felt that time was against me although I had not known why. I should have known & for that I felt confused & let down by my own connection. Mum called a few days later to say he must have come from a good family as they had written so nicely about him, that he was a very much loved son, favourite brother (from a family of six siblings) & special uncle. Only my mum could call after all our frequent ups & downs to say “Oh PIPPY he had a lovely family!” . Running out of time sparked something in me. We bought a house & took on a mortgage, I realised things were now or never. I had piled on weight during my first few years as a teacher eating to fuel the workload & time demands so I returned to what I knew best & went running again. I wasn’t to know that this was to be a relatively small window of a few years before I had kids. I ran long distance this time. I began to process & release again & I quickly shed my excess luggage. I found a long distance route enabling me to experience rhythm, mind elevation when you break through the wall, overcoming pain thresholds & reaching a state of zoning out yet being fully focused with piercing precision at the same time – once again pulling through the energy of the Lakota lands. Life was on the up, we married, Sam & Drew were quickly on their way. With financial commitments from a young family I quickly took on full-time work & I became an over-extended mum, wife (with a fireman husband working shifts) often leaving me with 2 small children to fit around a job that was becoming harder not easier year by year. A combination of bullying & backstabbing were all directed my way from both my extended family & within the workplace. Because I did not conduct myself this way & it can be so subversive it took awhile to register what was really happening, although I felt the impact of it long before realised I needed to stop it. ~Where To Now~ covers this time & the effective decisions I made. I was good at holding down the fort & meeting the needs of everyone & everything to keep things in order, however to achieve this took everything I had to give & I was dying inside. In the summer of 2013 (Jan) I had finally been pushed to my limits by my extended family & work - because I was being affected by others, I had realised that this was also affecting my children indirectly. Although I stood up for myself the confrontation left me deeply shaken there was a profound sense of having finally made a stand on my own, but this was only one front – there were others I was going to face. These would take more than me just saying my peace & walking away. This was going to literally be me staring death in the face & conquering it. This was going to take more than I had within me, it was going to lead me in a whole new unexpected direction. It was going to take a miracle, it was going to take a dad finding & saving his daughter.
Jan 2013 onwards
Sitting in my lounge at the end of another relentless day which nestled within years of a workload that never ceased, employed as a teacher in a system rapidly spiralling out of control, coming home each day to face yet more children & meet all of their needs, with a husband who had gone on a metaphorical detached walk-about, I actually wasn’t sure if I was even breathing. I couldn’t understand how I was ‘in this place’, how could I have achieved so much to be wondering if life was worth living – this was coming from someone who was used to facing adversity. I was bewildered. I sat in my lounge where I had always sought refuge from the storm of life that had become toxic from so many angles. Flicking silently through channels on TV in my spare 5 minutes of quiet time before bed a voice came through loud & clear. I had heard this voice once before, it was deep, it was beautiful & it said to turn back to the channel I had just skipped past. So I did. I was told that the actor looked similar to him & that he too had loved country music. It had been 10 years since Terry had passed away. He was now showing me images of when he was a young lad - the same age as my son. He kept relating what he was saying & showing me Andrew explaining that he too had once been a sensitive little boy who took things to heart. Finally through relating himself to my son I was able to feel what his experience was (Clairsentience). For the first time my tears started to flow & I let them cascade down naturally as he continued to chat to me. I didn’t know a great deal then about the official psychic world but I knew something big had just occurred & I needed clarification & verification = perhaps a stiff drink too! (not that I am much of a drinker).
It didn’t take long to find a psychic medium who came highly recommended, working from home only taking on a few clients. I did not know this woman (we were much later to form a friendship) & she new nothing of my background or even my name. I had never been to a psychic or had a reading so didn’t know what to expect but before I entered I took a deep breath & said to Terry “If you really do exist somewhere can you let me know”. I planned on testing this lady & not giving away any details, even removing all expression on my face in case that encouraged her to follow a particular thread. It was now March 2013 & as I sat quietly ready to listen she showed me what she had already written down. The name Stewart was written at the top & she made direct reference to the Scottish Stewart Clan, she asked if this had meaning. I said yes. She asked if the navy meant anything as she said it was a huge link. I said yes. In the months prior I had just established a natural relationship with Terry’s dad, my paternal granddad Bill due to a chance meeting with my cousin who had sung his praises over a coffee. I had just assumed that Terry had come from some sort of dysfunctional family, not realising he was part of a lovely South Island family, one of 6 children who had grown up on farms under the strong arms of Bill who had been a WW2 veteran in the navy. He had SKYPE requested me at the age of nearly 90 & so began a delightful unforced genuine relationship & friendship where I leant all about gardening & growing vegies as well as his war experiences while he learnt about 2 more of his great-grandchildren. Just as I wondered why Terry hadn’t ‘come through’ yet or first she carefully said that she had my dad waiting in the wings up to her right. I said no that my dad was most definitely alive (because my dad who raised me was, this was my way of trying to test her). She replied that he was being polite & letting others go first, that he was being very cautious as he didn’t want to overwhelm me straight away but he was busy telling everyone that I was his little girl (this made perfect sense in light of him having ‘given me away at birth – where I ended up having a different father) that he had his hands up cheering me on saying “That’s my girl” & that he was so very proud. Yes = this did overwhelm me. I have kept the notes I took & will use them another time but I will forever remain grateful to my Aunt Wendy – Terry’s younger sister who recognized when I contacted her she was the one who would be able to confirm & verify much that was passed on. the parts that related directly to me that he could not possibly have known while alive or which occurred once he passed were so precise that I was speechless.
I wanted to know how he could exist? How he knew things. Where was he? And what did it mean that he “had done the work on the other side”. I needed to understand energy at a whole new level, one that I had never been taught before, one that I almost couldn’t conceive of, but over time I could get my head around. As I began my search for answers I needed to know why this information was largely hidden. There were more questions than answers & yes this has everything to do with the rabbit hole that stretches far, deep & wide. All of this was coinciding with the Education Sector wanting more & more from its teachers with a more challenging playing field to contend with. More demands were placed on teachers shoulders with additional hoops to constantly jump through, but the more I researched, combined with beginning to use my new knowledge I started to become stronger again, day by day, week by week, month by month & I found my inner strength which would help me leave teaching & ultimately survive. Please note that sudden shocks & major ongoing trauma can also cause psychic abilities to open up (which is why there is dark deliberate element to rituals that try & force ‘awaken’ people. When looking into this field of awakening always go the natural awakening route – more on this to follow). I immediately started to get my visions back, my messages, I was opening up my electromagnetic field again & rapidly shifting through the energy levels. I had always kept my empath & intuitive skills but now everything was coming back online quickly but in the right, sensible & safe timeframe. For every new piece of spiritual or metaphysical information I learnt I would deliberately cross check it, verify it & connect it to one of the many fields it belonged to e.g. military, religion, science, technology, history, political stage, judicial, medical, media, corporation the list goes on. There was so much ground for me to cover & action to take if I was to create a very strong environment that would allow all of this to grow in a stable way. I efficiently dealt with any & all negative people & places (family members & teaching fell away), I needed to pull in my immediate family unit ~Fortify Your Family~ & I was going to reactivate all that I had known growing up plus so much more ~Return To You~ , ~Metaphysics In Action~ , ~The Morphic Field~ & ~Find Yourself Rarefied~. I established complete freedom from time constraints or other peoples agendas & I welcomed my team which grew little by little over the years.
Throughout this piece of writing I can not attempt to cover all that I learnt, the best way to draw attention to the basics is to divide this material into three main areas. Firstly some of what I noticed unfolding within society, secondly how metaphysics interweaves within everything & thirdly the personal adjustments I made as my knowledge expanded. These all overlap & inter-relate.
Through observing the Education System turning upside down & inside out I was able to see other sectors following suit. There was odd, unethical & concerning behaviour from a body of professionals. I watched deceit, competition, backstabbing, betrayal, cowardice, corruption, greed, nastiness, lying, bullying, out-right censorship, threats & special treatment of a few hand selected golden show ponies. Within families I saw the emergence of a form of extortion, manipulation, lying, cheating, jealousy & envy. Throughout the general populace I saw programmes running degeneration, degradation & the deterioration of standards enticing people to behave like idiots & being rewarded for this. I saw an attention deficit crisis where people of all ages subconsciously craved the spotlight. I saw an epidemic of emotional & mental health issues with concerning treatment & therapies offered. I saw the market for subscription drugs booming & being promoted as the quick fix to alleviate the cognitive dissonance that is escalating as people default to addictions as their crutch to get through the day. I saw the entertainment & sports industries sending out what I consider to be unusual subliminal messages. I saw a proliferation of many depending on authorities to tell them what to do with the absence of personal responsibility. I saw where people ‘were at’ in terms of their breaking points & inability to make sensible decisions. I began to feel as though I was amongst an open air asylum. In general I saw systemic cracks everywhere & started to term this “same-same-different”. Same issues faced by many only the setting was different.
I began to ‘ground in’ to Earth’s energy & open up my subtle bodies energy field, this time in a state of freedom releasing all fears. I learnt to set up & hold energetic boundaries, cut tethers/hooks/chords while learning how to sense when others still try to attach themselves even at an etheric level. I began to transmit & receive daily downloads & messages working now as a conduit establishing a wonderfully distinct, potent & powerful channel. All of my ‘Clair’ abilities heightened along with my natural healing tools. With a clear head & reduced workload I was able to synthesising the information I was researching to group together similar aspects to structure & format my writing to explain what this is all about. Most stunning was my ability to move through space & time while remaining in an awake & conscious state to now specialise in this delicate area. Once I gained expertise over my own personal psychic field I focused again on Earth’s natural state pulling my geology & physical geography back into play – only this time from a new approach focusing on Earth’s energy centres. I learnt all about particle physics, quantum mechanics, state of matter & how historically this knowledge was known, taught & used in the hands of those capable. How it had been ‘removed’ over time & used to supress & subjugate people through recent history. I then learnt about the control systems of the military wing, clandestine science & tech research , the medical fraternity, religious branches, government & political coverups, how the money system really works. I stated to see through the modern psyops operations using subtle yet overt mind control programmes. I learnt of decommissioned artefacts located around the world & the rush to find relics. I learnt how easy it is for a few to control the many simply through fear & greed, weaponizing many metaphysical characteristics. I learnt how my own brush with death did me the favour of not being frightened to face any of these unpleasant truths
On a personal level
I realised that my family were saturated in a minefield of ‘craziness’ out there & it was up to me to start guiding them through & away from the pitfalls. I started to organise my own physical environment, once again for me that was to finish up teaching (a highly emotional challenge for me to overcome) & to set about creating my own sanctuary for my family unit to thrive. I connected to all things that fuelled my life & removed anyone who negatively impacted on me. I learnt how to hop off other peoples bumpy rides. I was in alignment ethically with what I felt personally right for me. I built my own original business moving through each stage organically using only content sourced by myself! (And my team) I refined & refined until I had forged & gilded my sword & set
about blazing my own trail, that some are desperately trying to copy right now. I love helping others find their own way, however I continually need to remind people of two essential pillars I stand by - go slow & use your discernment. If you have dependants, a relationship that you value or a career that you wish to maintain than you must move through this at a suitable pace. Rushing, forcing, or becoming desperate will not work. Neither will demanding it all to happen. Find a steady pace that allows for each energy shift to unfold naturally & the reconfiguration process that takes place after each one to settle or you will fall off the edge very quickly. Secondly within the spiritual community just because someone looks the part, speaks the part & even acts the part does not mean they are capable of tapping into your energy field safely. Take your time finding the right person to work with you. It has taken me 5 - 6 years of daily learning in some capacity – some days it was practical, other days it was research. Do not expect it to be handed to you on a platter, or think you can buy your way through it. You will be tested for sure. In it’s purest form this is a natural emanation, a flow, a current which deserves respect. So take your time & do this thoroughly.
Once, 6 years ago I needed someone to help me communicate clearly with Terry. Then I learnt how to find him & then Bill myself. After a while I found I could call them in when I wanted to, with others joining. Now I wake in the mornings & they are waiting for my day to begin….
A few people to acknowledge :
Rochelle : The initial reunion between Terry & I was so carefully managed, you are very skilled.
Wendy : Your neutral yet helpful manner enabled the connection between a father & daughter to grow. There may have been a time when your brother helped you – you have returned the favour.
Bill : We really did have enough time in the end after all! Thankyou for accepting me into your Clan.
Terry : Of course you were going to find me, the timing now makes perfect sense, any sooner or any later & it may not have ‘worked’. It is nice to walk beside you.
Sam & Drew : You gave me the spark of life when I had lost mine.
Kirk : I passed ‘holding down the fort’ to you & together we managed to create a beautiful home front.
Many years ago I thought I may have been lost – without realising I had always been ‘in touch’ with my home.